Perhaps I have a high tolerance for pain. Keep yourself alive.
You have the power to do anything.
The grown-up Christmas Wish
This is my wish for the next 20 years for our youths who have dreams and families who want to survive together. If I am lucky, I will still be alive and witness a significant change. Let there be less or possible no Boholano to work far or abroad.
A home. A safe and happy home is basic. We have the power to build a safe and liveable place. Sorry but I am not giving up. Boholanos abroad, you have done enough. Let them come home to their families. It is suicidal out there. I have done it. It is awful. Is it so impossible for us to thrive together? Our beautiful island is a blessing. Our families and loved ones give us hope. Let us unite and love each other.
From Europe with Love
” The ten years rule in psychology. One should work years to achieve a state of mastery and success. There is no shortcut in life. The most challenging 10 years of promise and self-experimental task I put to myself. The dream that almost killed me quite a few times. Miles away from home. One of the major things I struggle with. “
2009 is the year I chose to cross the borders of Europe. I was 22 years old girl with a lot of dreams. I can still remember the day I was stocked in Hongkong Airport. I never felt so small in my entire life, it left a mark in my entire system. The flight attendant held my access to the next connecting flight. I was being questioned about my papers and intentions of going to Europe. If they let me in, I might become a threat and never come back to my home country. Who knows? Honesty and trust are always an issue.
I looked at the very cautious flight attendant, the clock was ticking. I was early but I was waiting already for more than an hour. I wanted to cry while I was being interrogated. Either I will be stocked here and will be sent home or for some miracle, they will allow me to access my future. I heard they are very wealthy in Europe. If being ambitious is a crime, then I am guilty. ” I needed the freedom to challenge myself fairly and grow as a healthy honest individual. I am so tired of feeling anxious all my life. I just want to feel safe. “
BTW, I want to come to Europe. I mean I will go anywhere just to find answers to all of my questions. There is no future in my country. The system is corrupt, the faithful are sinners, families, and neighbors are angry at each other. I am being tortured every single day of my life. I am afraid I will lose my focus and sense of dignity surrounded all of the dramas. I cannot breathe, I am drowning. I want a way out.
The flight crews didn’t know me at all, I showed up at that boader control as an alien and they were skeptical. Do I look like a criminal? No one really knows but me. Maybe I will be a criminal if I will be denied. I started feeling negative towards myself. I am nervous from head to toe. Sweating all the stress out of me. All I want is one good chance. I am faithful. Damn! I prayed so hard that moment, if I will make it out there, I will do more good things. Like an asylum-seeking a desperate refuge away from all the mess around me. Desperation is my only hope. I could have been killed while fighting. But I will at least try.
I feel shame at myself for begging. What is my worth as a person? It’s like life and death. I don’t know how long I can keep myself together any longer. While nervously waiting, I thought about my family back home, they are broken-hearted and clueless. Both my parents begged me to come home instead. My younger sibling had no idea what was going on.
The rest is history. Your history is important.
Reality vs. Reality
When I arrived in Europe, it was just cold, gloomy and sad. All of a sudden, I realized I was alone, so far away. I wanted to go home to my parents after three months but I couldn’t afford a flight ticket back. That moment I felt so sorry to myself, it was difficult to comprehend the facts and consequences. I was dealing with so many things in my head. I just wanted to freeze and die. I didn’t know the language, I was frustrated. Learning was difficult. Language and cultural barriers are very difficult to crack. It is not easy to understand things that you don’t have an idea in the first place.
I have a bachelor’s degree that was considered nothing. I wanted just to burn all my papers and then from zero. It doesn’t matter. No matter how bad I felt, I had to make it work. I could have stayed at my job at a small design firm in Manila or could work anything in Bohol as long as it is not self-degrading and illegal.
My childhood dream is to work as a music/art teacher but that seemed so impossible at that time. I have no medium to create an art form. I am lost and out of tone, every time I sang a melody. I was mentally block, my creativity won’t even flow out of my being. I felt so hopeless trying to configure what is rational and artistic. All the stress just confuse me, when I am supposed to do great things.
Trying hard nako since I was a little girl but all I got in return are nonsense criticism. At the age of 20, I became a breadwinner. I took big responsibilities than I am cable of. It was like a battle. I was a young lady with a lot of positive outlook in life. At the same time, I acted like a father with a good sense of authority and a mother with a good heart and care for the family.
I wanted a better life but the question is how? My boss doesn’t even know who I am. Will I stay in the same job for the next 5 years? No matter how much I visualized in my brain, I will become a successful one. Probably save and able to afford to buy a place, send my sibling to school, etc. Basic addition, subtraction, multiplication, and division. I always got the number zero, as a result, every time I calculated my worth vs. my compensation.
My sense of survival was threatened. Makasapot, maka wla ug gana. Like everyone else I felt like giving up and wish myself I won’t wake up the next day to do the same shit again. It is not good to sleep and wake up with pain every single day.
From Struggle and more Struggle
People used to laugh at me every time I talk about my elusive dreams for my future.
You are just a girl. Yes, but I am a dreamer. Dreams are free.
For at least 30 years of my existence (since birth) I was considered as the black sheep of the family. Strange because I did not commit a crime that could hurt others. Never been convicted as a criminal. I am often misunderstood. Yes definitely!
Rebelde nako ever since but in a good way. I never bowed and listened to people whom I think are wrong. Will you just cry and give up when you are told stupid and useless? When the truth behind others’ meaningless comprehension about you is that you are worth all the good things and opportunities in the world.
I never fit and I felt that my existence was like an abomination. People would say words to let me down. I am sincere but always end up manipulated because I am just a nobody. I came from a poor struggling family. My parents and grandparents were like slaves to people who acted so smart but empty in the brain, heart, and soul. I am empathetic but I had to learn to let go of people who are so self-destructive and mean.
Be careful of your words, it can kill a person. The ones who are strong enough to comprehend will gain have the ability to fight back. An empty mind utters empty words. A person who is in pain will always talk and acts angry.
Can you feel the trauma from a broken hearted child?
I was raised by a foul mouth mother with an unbearable personality disorder. She loves me, she loves me not. I always started my day with anger and threats. I wonder she is up to? Should I just break and cry? She loves pushing me to the maximum, which is good. But I have to twist my comprehension ability to understand the hidden meaning of her love and care. I couldn’t become smarter without her.
I had a loving father but he was so stressed his entire life. I miss when he cooks me breakfast before I starts my day. He is timid, didn’t talk so much. He ended up self-medicating the last three years of his life.
Trust is very hard to accomplish. I will always love both of them through happiness and pain. I was their first love. That is constant. Truth hurts. Does it? Pain creeps towards you even when you are dreaming.
I grow up fighting back against all the criticism bombarded in me at an early age. Wlay “tulfoinaction” when I was growing up so it is like do or give up, fight or die to survive. Growing up in an abusive environment is challenging. Ma trauma ka when people cause you pain. As compensation heavens showered me with enough good opportunities, it is was really up to me to choose anyway.
I am like an apple tree in the vast mango plantation. I was the one who started a piggery when all the neighbors did a sari-sari store business. I did the lowest and dirty job while everybody was enjoying the comfort of having an easy life.
At the end, who doesn’t like to eat an apple or a delicious Lechon for a feast?
Love your uniqueness, you are one of a kind. Be creative. Don’t be afraid to take a risk and be out of place. During your lonely and lowest point in life. You might shine and succeed.
The power of Good Karma
Good karma, it exists. Bad karma will hunt the one who have done wrong.
The pretentious man who insulted and bullied my father lost his fortune and family. He used to sit in front of the priest every Sunday’s mass wearing his thick gold neckless. One time he donated a good amount of money in our chapel but was working as a corrupt authority in the customs office.
The neighbor who was serving as a Lay Minister is still there. Have manage to do the same thing! One poor soul who thrives with his double morality. I wonder what happened to his adopted daughter he molested and occasionally rape. The neighbors talked about it, but they never really did anything. As if he was just forgiven and got away with his sins.
Life is full of controversies it exists in your own family and barangay. We sometimes pretend to be happy when we are not. We tend to show up to our work even when we are tired or not in the mood. We have Facebook profiles that we look so confident and successful.
It is one messy life and a challenging world to live in. My only fear when I was younger is to become a person whom I am not supposed to be. A negative and angry person then my hard work will be useless. I have struggled with temperament and anger issues for many years. I always try hard to normalize my emotions. Focus on things that can make me feel positive.
You cannot compare your personality to others. No one is stupid, everyone is entitled with talents and skills. You have to figure out what you’re good at. Do something kanang feel nimo tapos naa kay future. Even your struggles are yours to take. It is your responsibility to fix it. Be consistent and do smart choices even though you are constantly bothered with negativities.
Focus and productivity are difficult to put in actions.
What is my dream anyway?
So after 10 years, I am still trying to learn myself to relax. The future holds a wide great view. I am excited. To the province, I love. I always tell people I know here in Europe that I was born and raised in a beautiful place. It is a paradise.
What I learned in Europe is the term Quality. Quality of life, services, and products. Quality cannot be achieved overnight. It requires good labor and time.
When you visit the Eiffel Tower in Paris, France, one can see the very detail and structure composing the iconic building. People have built it with love and pride. When you reach “the sommet” it is quite scary. You are on top and viewing the shimmering city of lights. It is a view of a lifetime.
You cannot build a home without a sturdy land. All I wish every single day of my life is to spend more time under the sun, stare at the nice view and breath.
I have traveled and seen the word. We have good resources. We hold a good future. We have positive and hard-working people. So why do we have to enslave ourselves to our fears? Fear of actually achieving something good?
Don’t ever give up mga Boholanos because I haven’t given up on you yet.
Let us see each other more often.